Let's just move past the fact that it has been..oh, eighteen months since my last blog post? :) Agree with me to let by-gone's be by-gone's. I've had fresh inspiration this week to blog here and there, partially as a creative outlet, and (perhaps I should put this first) as a way to chronicle God's faithfulness to me. This is not so much about you, dear reader, though you are welcome to come along in my ramblings, but a way for me to stop and reflect.
I am in seminary. One third of the way through a Masters of Divinity, actually. I think, for a long time, I had this idea that people in seminary must have it all together. They must really get the gospel message. After all, they are immersed in studying the Word of God all day long. But part of my worry with attending seminary was that I would struggle with making it about head knowledge. And indeed, I do struggle with this. A lot. More than I would like to admit.
It is not that I don't love what I am studying. I do! This past semester, cranking out 15-page term papers was academic effort, certainly, but also a wonderful exercise in getting to see the beauties of God's Word more deeply! Who knew a Greek exegesis paper could be so exciting? But spending hours on end examining a few verses in Titus 2 helped me to see just how wonderfully rich the Bible is, and just how much we can learn from passages that are so easy just to skim through as we do our daily devotionals.
And yet, I still tend to do just that. Read right through a passage to get to the end, without stopping to really take in the significance. Rush through prayer. Rush through class reading. Rush through seminary. Why? So I can rush through the rest of the life that God has given me? Sometimes I feel sick when I think about this.
BUT...2 places where I see God at work even in this:
First, I am grateful that part of seminary education is not just what I come to learn, but what God desires to teach me. And not just through classes - through life. I wish I could express this eloquently. Or adequately. But the former is not really my area of gifting. And the latter is impossible. Anyhow, looking back at the past year, the past semester even, I see God teaching me things that are above & beyond what I can learn simply through class. Things like, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." More and more, I pray and trust, that God is conforming my desires to His will for my life. He is also teaching me things like what it looks really to rely on Him for strength. All semester, dealing with some not-so-fun health issues, I prayed for strength & energy to keep going strong in my classes. And truly, He gave me energy to make it through days where I woke up and thought I could not keep going. Towards the end of the semester though, as I spent more time being sick, I started to get frustrated with God, that he wasn't answering my prayers for strength and my prayers for healing. And then, one day as I wrestled and sobbed about having to ask my professors for extensions (this felt like failure and death to me, even with valid reasons), I started praying about this. Wrestling with God in prayer. And here He started to teach me a new lesson - finding strength in Him might look like facing my biggest fears of NOT being the girl with the perfect grades, or NOT looking like I have it all together. For me, on my own, this is a terrifying place. With Christ walking into these fears with me, I am beginning to see this can be a beautiful place of learning and healing. I have a feeling we're just at the tip of the iceberg right now. But "he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion" - and that is a promise!!
Which brings me to the second thing: I'm currently taking a class online through the virtual campus that is an Introduction to Pastoral and Theological Studies (It just worked out in my schedule that taking it now, virtually, instead of in person, was the best option). Basically, it is an in-depth study of Reformed Theology and the Doctrines of Grace. Growing up in the PCA, I am pretty familiar with all of this, and I wasn't anticipating much from this course, especially from just listening to lectures without actually being there. On the contrary. I want to listen to these lectures all day long. Yes, the class is about the basics of the Doctrines of Grace - and what could be more exciting, beautiful, or applicable to our lives than that? When I think about all my failings (see above for starters!!), all my worries of not being good enough, even when I see that there are so many areas of growth where I'm just at the tip of the iceberg (again, see above), the Doctrines of Grace, expressed so clearly, so beautifully throughout Scripture, remind me of Truth. Certain, unshakeable Truth. The only thing I contribute to my salvation is my sinful condition. God alone gives grace. Through Christ's blood alone do I have redemption. And yet, because it is the grace of GOD, my Creator, and because it is the blood of His Divine Son, purchased for me only because of His great desire and love to do so, my salvation is secure. I cannot escape it! Moreover, my sanctification is secure, and what He has begun in me, He will carry to completion! He has promised this, sealed this promise with Christ's blood, and so He cannot do otherwise! Could anything be more shocking, more counter-intuitive, more hopeful for the backward sinner, more beautiful??? O that I would see more and more the beauty of this gospel message, and that it would transform me, and that, in turn, God would use me to transform others!!
This post is not clean and neat. I'm not going back to fix it up. Maybe I will with others later on. Maybe not. But it is a real glimpse into my messy life right now, and God's grace at work! I will finish this post with the words of Stuart Townsend:
"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease;
My comforter, my all-in-all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand!"
...
"There in the ground his body lay,
light of the world, by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me!
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ!"
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