"Joy Beyond the Sorrow"

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning

                                                                                          - Psalm 30:4b

There is an old adage with which you are probably familiar: "Time heals all wounds." This sounds nice and comforting. I often allow myself to think it is true, and quite frequently, it really does feel true. We are all wounded - I firmly believe that. Some people much more so than others, but that doesn't change the fact that we all have real wounds. This is the reality of living in a sinful and fallen world. Some wounds are deeper than others. Maybe yours are the wounds of broken family, abuse, the loss of a loved one, broken friendships and even intimate relationships. The list could go on. When the tragedy occurs, you feel like your world will never be the same. But perhaps several weeks later, several months, even several years later, you might say you have “moved on.” The adage feels true – you’ve learned to accept the reality, and to keep living.

Time heals all wounds.

But does it? Really, time on its own serves as a bandaid. It covers the wound so we can go about the day-to-day, without everyone seeing the bleeding mess that we really are. If we wear a bandaid over the wound, no one has to know just how deep the wound really is. But underneath, if we ever pull back the bandaid for a quick peak, or if something comes along that completely tears the bandaid off, what we normally find is that the wound has not healed itself. Underneath the bandaid new skin can’t form. At the very least, it remains an open sore. Often times, it gets infected, and turns out to be much worse.

Covering up some of my deep wounds felt good for a while. And then, in my first semester of interning with RUF, a situation similar to my own wounding knocked the bandage off, and showed me just how dark and festering this wound really was. I had thought time and distance was enough to heal me, and so the stench and infection of this wound sent me into a deep depression. I tried to put the bandage back on, but I was starting to see that a bandaid just wouldn’t be enough.

Perhaps you can relate. I’m talking about one particular wound here, but I can think of many other examples even in my own life. It seems that time does not heal all wounds. So where do we go?

Time does not heal all wounds; Jesus does.

Yes, it is that simple, and yet goes so deep. It was not until I began seeing a Christian counselor that we began really digging deep into the wound. It was painful, and I resisted. I really thought maybe we could just clean up the surface, but the infection was well below the skin. Friends and pastors prayed for me, and encouraged me to go deeper. And as I did, as I relived some of the pain, not only in the counselor’s office, but (reluctantly) in my diary, with friends, with my pastor, and most importantly, with Jesus, I began to see something incredible. It was painful, yes! Not only that, some of it was revolting. I didn’t look clean and neat; I had to let people see the wound. Yet, they didn’t run away disgusted. They showed me Jesus: Jesus, who came to the Cross to suffer the ultimate wounding for me! To be hurt and wounded and to take on my hurt and wounding. I started to see Jesus working on the wound, digging into it, cleaning it out with the antiseptic of His blood, and bringing healing, even as He held me in the process.

No, it is not time that heals our wounds, it is Jesus. I’m learning that being vulnerable about those areas of hurt and struggle are like refusing to put a bandaid on the scrapes and cuts, and learning to let the Church, the Body of Christ look at the ugliness and apply the salve of the Gospel.

For me, this means a lot of tears when I would like to be put-together. It means asking for prayer in places where I know that I am struggling. It means seeking wisdom and counsel when the issues are just too big to handle. It looks messy, but Jesus enters into messy places. Read the Gospels – this is what He loves to do!

These are lessons I am still learning, but it is beautiful to see Jesus at work. Moreover, as we learn to look at and be vulnerable with our own wounds among the Body of Christ, we can learn better to have mercy and patience with others who have been wounded, to apply the Gospel to their wounds as well.

Through the process, we do receive healing. But this healing is only possible through Christ! Sometimes the healing process takes longer than others; sometimes, it might look like the wound is only getting worse, or that just as it is getting better, something else comes along to aggravate it. But the promise of Scripture holds true: “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

Post Script:

 **Indelible Grace has put out a wonderful album, “Joy Beyond the Sorrow” that deals expressly with this topic, using the lyrics of many old hymn writers set to beautiful new tunes. This CD was given to me as a gift after a particularly deep wound at the end of last year. The message of the Gospel for those who are wounded and bruised is so sweet and clear in the music and lyrics. I don’t plug stuff a lot, but I will plug this album to you! Listen to it and get a copy here!**

Real Life // Real Grace

Let's just move past the fact that it has been..oh, eighteen months since my last blog post? :) Agree with me to let by-gone's be by-gone's. I've had fresh inspiration this week to blog here and there, partially as a creative outlet, and (perhaps I should put this first) as a way to chronicle God's faithfulness to me. This is not so much about you, dear reader, though you are welcome to come along in my ramblings, but a way for me to stop and reflect.

I am in seminary. One third of the way through a Masters of Divinity, actually. I think, for a long time, I had this idea that people in seminary must have it all together. They must really get the gospel message. After all, they are immersed in studying the Word of God all day long. But part of my worry with attending seminary was that I would struggle with making it about head knowledge. And indeed, I do struggle with this. A lot. More than I would like to admit.

It is not that I don't love what I am studying. I do! This past semester, cranking out 15-page term papers was academic effort, certainly, but also a wonderful exercise in getting to see the beauties of God's Word more deeply! Who knew a Greek exegesis paper could be so exciting? But spending hours on end examining a few verses in Titus 2 helped me to see just how wonderfully rich the Bible is, and just how much we can learn from passages that are so easy just to skim through as we do our daily devotionals.

And yet, I still tend to do just that. Read right through a passage to get to the end, without stopping to really take in the significance. Rush through prayer. Rush through class reading. Rush through seminary. Why? So I can rush through the rest of the life that God has given me? Sometimes I feel sick when I think about this.

BUT...2 places where I see God at work even in this:

First, I am grateful that part of seminary education is not just what I come to learn, but what God desires to teach me. And not just through classes - through life. I wish I could express this eloquently. Or adequately. But the former is not really my area of gifting. And the latter is impossible. Anyhow, looking back at the past year, the past semester even, I see God teaching me things that are above & beyond what I can learn simply through class. Things like, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." More and more, I pray and trust, that God is conforming my desires to His will for my life. He is also teaching me things like what it looks really to rely on Him for strength. All semester, dealing with some not-so-fun health issues, I prayed for strength & energy to keep going strong in my classes. And truly, He gave me energy to make it through days where I woke up and thought I could not keep going. Towards the end of the semester though, as I spent more time being sick, I started to get frustrated with God, that he wasn't answering my prayers for strength and my prayers for healing. And then, one day as I wrestled and sobbed about having to ask my professors for extensions (this felt like failure and death to me, even with valid reasons), I started praying about this. Wrestling with God in prayer. And here He started to teach me a new lesson - finding strength in Him might look like facing my biggest fears of NOT being the girl with the perfect grades, or NOT looking like I have it all together. For me, on my own, this is a terrifying place. With Christ walking into these fears with me, I am beginning to see this can be a beautiful place of learning and healing. I have a feeling we're just at the tip of the iceberg right now. But "he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion" - and that is a promise!!

Which brings me to the second thing: I'm currently taking a class online through the virtual campus that is an Introduction to Pastoral and Theological Studies (It just worked out in my schedule that taking it now, virtually, instead of in person, was the best option). Basically, it is an in-depth study of Reformed Theology and the Doctrines of Grace. Growing up in the PCA, I am pretty familiar with all of this, and I wasn't anticipating much from this course, especially from just listening to lectures without actually being there. On the contrary. I want to listen to these lectures all day long. Yes, the class is about the basics of the Doctrines of Grace - and what could be more exciting, beautiful, or applicable to our lives than that? When I think about all my failings (see above for starters!!), all my worries of not being good enough, even when I see that there are so many areas of growth where I'm just at the tip of the iceberg (again, see above), the Doctrines of Grace, expressed so clearly, so beautifully throughout Scripture, remind me of Truth. Certain, unshakeable Truth. The only thing I contribute to my salvation is my sinful condition. God alone gives grace. Through Christ's blood alone do I have redemption. And yet, because it is the grace of GOD, my Creator, and because it is the blood of His Divine Son, purchased for me only because of His great desire and love to do so, my salvation is secure. I cannot escape it! Moreover, my sanctification is secure, and what He has begun in me, He will carry to completion! He has promised this, sealed this promise with Christ's blood, and so He cannot do otherwise! Could anything be more shocking, more counter-intuitive, more hopeful for the backward sinner, more beautiful??? O that I would see more and more the beauty of this gospel message, and that it would transform me, and that, in turn, God would use me to transform others!!

This post is not clean and neat. I'm not going back to fix it up. Maybe I will with others later on. Maybe not. But it is a real glimpse into my messy life right now, and God's grace at work! I will finish this post with the words of Stuart Townsend:

"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease;
My comforter, my all-in-all,
Here in the love of Christ I stand!"

 ...

 "There in the ground his body lay,
light of the world, by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me!
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ!"

Carried to Completion

Dear Readers,

As usual, my blog post is long overdue. Regardless, here’s something I’ve been chewing on recently:

For the past…maybe 20 years, (and sometimes to some of the recipients’ chagrin), I’ve been in the habit of crafting most of my Christmas gifts. I love to craft all manner of things, and I’m reminded of this when I start dreaming up Christmas gift ideas in July and poking around JoAnn Fabric & Michaels looking for the best sales.

Ok, straying from the point.

Sometimes I make similar creations, but each gift is somehow unique, because it has the receiver in mind, and because, try as I might, no two handmade crafts are ever exactly alike. Generally, I pour hours and hours into each gift, not because I feel obliged to do that, but because I enjoy doing it, and I take pleasure out of seeing and being a part of the process and beholding the finished product.

Confession time: I tend to get very distracted in the middle of one project, and I have this bad habit of leaving it when I get frustrated, and moving onto the next, more exciting, easier, or more glamorous project. I’ve even been known to abandon some projects altogether. (The pitiful looking fabric store bags sitting with threads and papers hanging out of them are proof of this sad truth).

As I was in one of these “abandon-ship-until-further-notice” sort of moods the other night, I started thinking: I’m so glad God doesn’t treat me like I treat my craft projects! (Ok, yes, funny analogy, but bear with me: to me this fits better than all those sports analogies that always fly right over my head!) As I look at my own life and see myself still struggling with some of the same things I’ve struggled with for years, it would make sense if God just wanted to give up, to move on to someone more yielding, someone more exciting, someone with better potential.

Amazingly, God doesn’t do that with any of His children, because, think about it…if He did that with even one child, wouldn’t we each be concerned that we might be that one exception who God just decided to give up on? I know I would be. Instead, as the Master Craftsman and Creator, He delights in the process of creating each of us individually and uniquely in His likeness, and delights in knowing exactly how beautiful the finished product will be. Every. Single. Time. No exceptions. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” – Philippians 1:6

So that means when the fabric is so tough that it breaks the sewing machine needle time and time again, he doesn’t throw the fabric into the depths of the closet to start on something better. Nor is he too lazy or too cheap to go out and buy a new needle. In fact, God spends immeasurably more on each of his creations than we could even dream: He purchases each of us through the death of his Son. Through Jesus, he makes us over again, new and beautiful. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” – II Corinthians 5:17 And he delights in us, His creation!

That’s pretty comforting for me when I see how stubborn I am. It’s also pretty convicting when I realize I treat my students not all that differently from my crafting: smooth sailing as long as the work is easy, but come trouble… Please keep praying that I continue to love these sweet students even as Christ loves me, and that I keep pursuing them even when it costs so much, knowing that God purchased me with the ultimate gift!

(P.S. Thanks for pushing through the crafting analogies with me, even where they fall a little short. Also, last night, I went out and bought a few new sewing machine needles :-P )

a fresh look at fear...

I'm a very fearful person. I always have been, only now my fears have moved from being the tangible fears of children, to being more abstract. Not to say I don't fear a roach in my apartment anymore...but all joking aside, I've been seeing more and more recently, how much fear rules my life. Fear of the future. Fear of failure. Fear of God not coming through for me. And oh-so-much-more. And what's my reaction to all that? I'm scared to death.

The Bible certainly addresses fear - all over the place:

Joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed..."

Isaiah 43:1, "But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not...'"

Philippians 4:6, "do not be anxious about anything.."

These are a few examples that jump to mind, but by no means an exclusive list :-)

So, for most of my life, I've seen fear as evil - something to be repented of, to try and get away from. I've committed myself to memorizing verses such as the two above, and, in times of fear, repeating them over and over, hoping the fear will go away. And when it doesn't? Guess what? I'm more fearful.

Certainly, fear is a result of the Fall, but maybe it makes sense that we're afraid - living with all the sin around us!

What if God is not sternly shaking a fist at us, telling us, "do not be afraid!!"? What if he knows our fear, and therefore looks to be with us in that fear? Somehow, I've neglected to see the importance of what follows each of these admonitions not to fear..."For I will be with you." Or as we were talking about in my girls' Psalms study a few weeks ago,

"Even though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me"
(Psalm 23:4)

Talking through fear with some people recently, I've begun to see this picture of a gentle shepherd quietly telling us not to be afraid, because he's right there with us, holding us, rather as a mother comforts her child during a storm. It's not a harsh rebuke to not fear, but a gentle and comforting reminder that we are not alone, that the fear is natural, yet God is there. Maybe the distinction I'm making seems small, but the difference is huge and life-changing.

Surely Isaiah 42:3 is correct when it says, "a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench." Our God is not a harsh taskmaster, demanding stoic bravery, but he gently cares for us sinners, who are "bruised and broken by the fall", -and that includes fearfulness!

I pray that even as God reveals more of his grace to me in this lesson, He will enable me to show more of His grace towards the students in my life, and others around me.

"Great is thy faithfulness"

The name of this post is probably more fitting for the internship as a whole, really, not just this post. Or maybe more fitting for life :-)

So, as I wait on a student to show up to a lunch date, I wanted to share with you about a girl I had coffee with yesterday morning.

We'll call her Claire.

I got to know Claire last year at a Christmas parade in Davidson, when she came with a couple of the girls I knew particularly well. We got to talk here and there as I saw her around campus, and some of our interactions were more lengthy than others. Eventually, we had the opportunity to sit down and have lunch together. Claire grew up in a nominally Christian home, but I don't think Christianity meant a whole lot to her. We continued to meet, and sometimes Claire came to RUF Large Group.

Late in April, Claire's friend and classmate whom I meet with often, texted me an excited text to let me know Claire had accepted Christ that evening! I confess I'd prayed for her, but I didn't see this coming, and honestly, it had nothing to do with me, just a lot of little events that God had used in her life to show her who He is.

Though the semester was about over, I was able to give Claire a Jesus Storybook Bible, and she was so excited to get it!

This year, Claire has been coming to our girls' Psalms study, and she faithfully attends RUF Large Group. In talking with her, I've seen a change in the way she relates with people, and the way she thinks about life, even! She's excited to see the things she's learning about as helping her bring restoration to God's Kingdom on earth!

Yesterday morning at coffee, (as we bonded over our love of fall and Pumpkin Spice Lattes), Claire was full of questions: she's longing to study the Bible, and doesn't know where to begin. I was feeling particulary out of it walking to coffee, and I didn't know what we were going to talk about, or how to love her best, or how God was going to be at work. But I prayed that God would fill our conversation with Himself, and that he would be at work even as I was feeling weak. And even as God has been at work in Claire's life for 19 years, and my own life for 23 years, he was faithful in that conversation. It was so encouraging and contagious to see Claire's excitement for learning about her Savior, and so neat to be able to talk through reading the Bible.

Really, I love seeing God's faithfulness. It's so true that "his mercies are new every morning"!

September happenings

Let me start out by confessing to you that I'm not in an inspired-writing mood today, so I'm not really a writer anyways, but today is really more information-giving than interesting to read :-)But I did want to update you! Read at your own risk!

A couple things that have happened since the last post:

I flew to Dallas for one of my best friend's wedding! Since we were only a few weeks into the semester, it seemed like a hard time to take off for a few days. But also, the beginning of the semester can be difficult, and so it was a blessing to have time off to celebrate with friends and spend time together for such a wonderful occasion!

The next weekend was RUF's Fall Conference, which took place at beautiful Camp Greystone, just south of Ashville, in North Carolina. We had about 20 students from Davidson there. Conference came at the end of a couple of very fully and stressfull weeks for many students, and so the opportunity to be away from campus and spend time getting to know other students in a beautiful environment was excellent.
Our speaker, Tom Cannon (pastor of Red Mountain Church in Birmingham, AL) talked about the sufficiency of Scripture. After our Large Group sessions, we broke into small groups with our schools to talk about the sermons. I was so encouraged by the way the girls opened up with one another and were willing to talk about what challenged them, and to show where God is at work in their lives. I was also encouraged by the opportunity to get to know some of the freshmen girls better, and the chance to get to know some of the other girls in a different environment. I've discovered that car trips stimulate the best conversations, and I'm all for more in the future!

I've posted a lot more pictures from Fall Conference on the Davidson-RUF website, if you're interested in seeing them. I'd also direct you there if you're interested in checking out the website and reading more about RUF at Davidson in general!

As always, thank you for your prayers and support! Please continue to pray for the semester. I've been seeing God at work in some of these students in ways I never could have imagined!

Please keep praying for the work here! And please pray too for my financial situation. I am so incredibly grateful by God's provision for me here, and some of the timely gifts I've recieved recently. It's humbling, and I don't like asking, even though I know this is what I have been called to do right now. Please continue to be in prayer, since I'm still about $6000 behind for the year. Pray that God would make me bold in asking, and that I would be dilligent in taking the time that I need to work on support raising.

Until next time,

Anna

A day in the life...

I love hanging out with students. I really do. Some days more than others? Of course, but isn't that true of anything? Fall semester is in full swing now, and that means life is gaining back its rhythm and regularity that it lost during the summer. Or at least, as much rhythm and regularity as it can have.

Some things about the semester are fixed: weekly Large group, for example, or staff meeting, or numerous Bible studies, or Friday Night Dinners (um...where we go to dinner on Friday night with any students who want to hang out, in case the name isn't self-evident). Everything else (like hanging out with students individually and in groups, music rehearsal for large group, study program reading, and so on), fits in around these.

As much as I would like for there to be, I don't think there's any sort of "day in the life" - scheduling lunch and coffee dates with students who already have classes, studying, and innumerable extra-curricular activities to plan around, is understandably difficult and unpredictable. So much so, that I tend to spend collectively a couple hours a week emailing students (back and forth, back and forth), and working out a time to catch up. So much so, that I have to ask some students to hang out a week or two in advance. So some days, I wind up with 5 dates back to back, and other days, I'll have one or two. I'm trying to learn to be flexible. This is a lesson I probably need to learn.

But at the end of the day, (whether I was on campus from 9am-9pm, or whether I read my study program in my pajamas half the morning), I'm glad for the craziness of the new semester. This coming week I get to have coffee with a nominally Jewish girl who I'd gotten to know through some social outlets last year, but never dreamed would be comfortable sitting down and talking to me. This past week, I've gotten to hear from a couple of girls how they've seen God at work in their lives this summer, and rejoice with them over His faithfulness. Of course, I've also gotten to walk around Claire's and try on funny hats and jewelry with a student, but I like that too :-)

Thanks for listening, thanks for reading, thanks for encouraging, and thanks for supporting & participating in what's going on here.

Until next time...